Why Is Coffee So Popular? And Who Wants to Know?

February 3, 2009 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Why Is Coffee So Popular? | 11 Comments
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A reader (from Great Britain? China? Mars?) wrote to ask me why coffee is so popular.

Dear Person From A Place Where They Apparently Don’t Drink a Lot of Coffee:

People enjoy coffee because it makes them extremely nervous and irritable. I’m not sure what people enjoy in your country, but here in America we enjoy almost nothing so much as we do being extremely nervous and irritable. If this a problem for you, why don’t you ask me if I care? The answer is I don’t. I might if I hadn’t just enjoyed a triple-shot cafe latte—but I did. So I don’t. Tough bean crackers for you.

But back to your question. What was it again? And why are you asking questions like this? Do you have a problem with the American way of life? Because I don’t. I like what coffee does for me. I like what the Fourth of July does for me. A Whistlin’ Pete once shot right up my pants leg, and dang if it didn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy right before I started screaming bloody murder.

That’s right. I speak British. If it wasn’t for us, you British would be speaking German, if you get my historical drift.

Sorry. That’s not fair. British people rock. You’ve got all those great detectives.

Anyway, the reason coffee is so popular is because it gives people that Get Up and Go to the Bathroom feeling. A lot of people like that feeling, Jack. Bathrooms are pretty nice places to be—as long as you’re alone. Otherwise it can be pretty iffy. The worst thing is to be in a bathroom with a stranger who feels like socializing. There’s lots of ways to put a stop to that, but let’s not go there so to speak.

Now what was your question again? Oh, who cares? I can’t be bothered.

Oh, right: Coffee. You asked why coffee is so popular. You know why? Because people like to stand in line. There’s always a line at Starbucks. Starbuck’s. Starbucks’. God, I hate punctuation. It’s like a gnat that’s always comin’ around to bite you when you’re trying to write.

Anyway, I’d like to answer your question about coffee, but right now I have to use the restroom at this coffee shop I’m in. I hope no one’s in there. Whatever. It’s their problem if they are.

Thanks for asking Mr. Answers a question!

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11 Comments »

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  1. I have always wondered about this as well. seems like all Americans are addicted to coffee..which I’m not so sure is a good thing. We love coffee too, but we dont drink twenty million cups of it everyday

  2. Obviously, we’ve proved here the recent news that more than three cups of coffee can lead to hallucinations.
    I was about to get my eighth cup when daisies sang my name and told me the whistling taxi is outside waiting.
    -Sam

  3. Bathrooms and coffee. I recently used the former and noticed a man standing there doing his thing, which included using both hands to text on his Blackberry. OMG!@!

  4. Dan: But … how many hands did the guy have? Tell me you didn’t help him out…

  5. Sam: Funny!!!

  6. Well, yes, Latoya. But we here in America don’t smoke massive amounts of weed, either.

    Oh. Wait. Um. You know what? Let me get back to you with a response right after I eat a bag of Lay’s and then get some pizza.

  7. John, these tags came up next to your entry that add to it:

    caffeine coffee dominatrix
    dominoes Freud lab rats
    medieval times mice middle ages
    sex experiments starbucks

    Only had two cups so far as well. Time is 6:49 a.m. EST.
    -Sam

  8. Sam: I’m not really sure what you mean by “these tags came up next to your entry that add to it,” but it sounds … well, extremely funny. “Sex experiments Starbucks”? I see a whole new kind of line forming at Starbucks….

  9. 1: If I was a religious person, I would say that coffee alone is proof of God.

    2: As John mentions, coffee is the best thing to get the ol’ bowels moving in the morning. I’ll wake up, feed the cat, pour a hot cuppa joe, and curl up with the newspaper … and within 20-30 minutes it’ll be off to the bathroom.

    3: Ever gone to the grocery store and ground your own coffee? Is there anything quite like the warm, nutty aroma of coffee that has been just freshly ground?

    4: And speaking of freshly ground coffee, you will notice that at the perfume/cologne counters at better department stores they will often keep a small container of ground coffee to be used as an olfactory “cleanser.”

    5: Let’s say you’ve gone on a camping trip with friends or family. You wake up in the morning, snug in your sleeping bag, the forest air is cold and crisp and clean, and then all of a sudden it hits your nose: The aroma of coffee brewing. Is there anything more sublime? I think not.

  10. Thanks, Chuck! A little more information than Mr. Answers needed—and I’ll never go camping again—but thanks!

  11. The world would be a better place if a majority of people smoked weed at least in proportion to their coffee intake.


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