Tags: dominatrix, dominoes, Freud, lab rats, mice, sex experiments
Herewith I launch “Mr. Answers,” a new regular feature of this blog wherein I answer readers’ questions, whatever they may be. Send in virtually any question of your own today!
Q. I once heard that if an electrode stimulator is run from a bar in a mouse’s cage to the sexual response area of the mouse’s brain, the mouse will continue to press that bar until it dies of exhaustion. Is this true?
A. It is not; that’s a common misconception. What will happen is that the mouse will press the bar until a small fire breaks out on the top of his head. Soon he is nothing but a bald, sexually frustrated mouse who, at least, has forearms like Popeye. Many mice, however, never get that far, preferring instead to voluntarily stop pressing the bar the very moment they notice all the lab technicians standing around laughing at them.
Q. Who was Sigmund Freud?
A. Sigmund Freud invented sex as we know and fear it today. Be fore Freud, couples had sex in order to stay warm and/or produce more farm hands, and afterwards went to church. After Freud, couples had sex in a feeble attempt to ward off death, and afterwards snuck into the other room to phone their mothers. Freud’s most influential books were: “Psychology: Good Luck Spelling It,” “Your Libido: Like A Monkey On Cocaine,” “Civilization And Its Incontinence,” and “Oedi pus: The Wreck of the Rex.” Al though famous, Freud died penniless, having in his later years invested his fortune in the Hands Away Electric Diapers company. He was survived by an elder daughter, Medusa, and a son, Oscar Meyer.
Q. Recently my wife and I got a cute puppy. The problem is now my wife spends more time petting the dog than she does me. Help!
A. Have you tried addressing your concerns with your wife? Have you tried walking around the house on your hands and knees barking? How much cuter than you is the dog? Why don’t you try being cuter? Maybe you just need bigger ears. A lot of people try to achieve cuteness by stretching their ears—but forget to stretch their ears UP, not down. For adorable Snoopy ears, attach a couple of clothes pins to either end of an elastic strap: clip the pins to the top of each of your ears, and pull the strap across the top of your head. Do not remove for eight months. Alternatively, have you considered making your puppy uglier? Try shaving it, for instance. Bald puppies aren’t nearly as cute as hairy ones. Once you have the fur, try gluing some of it onto your own belly. Then roll around on the carpet, with your back arched and your limbs adorably kicking about. This is certain to bring you all the attention you could possibly want.
Q. The other night at a party I heard someone use the word “dominatrix.” I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know what exactly that is. Can you help me, Mr. Answers?
A. I sure can; I’m never embarrassed to in any way increase anyone’s knowledge of anything! A dominatrix is the person Dominoe’s sends to deliver your pizza if it’s going to be more than thirty minutes late, and they think you might try getting it for free.
Q. Did you make up these questions just so you could answer them in a funny way?
A. No. Okay, yes.
Q. Do you want people to send you any real questions they might have?
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